note: this was originally written for a crush of mine before but reading it now, i think it aptly describes how my relationship with alex began. 

You taught me how to smile

To You,

You might be surprised that I've written something for you. You never thought that I would actually write a letter, right? But here I am, breaking my own rule of not writing letters. You have to understand that I am only doing this for you. So, be patient with me alright?

Here goes nothing.

It started really with your smile. The way you smile, it was with abandon and mirth and how it would light up your features and highlight every groove and plane of it.

Every time you tell me funny anecdotes that happened in your life, you would emphasize it clearly with those expressive brown eyes of yours. You might not know this but you remind me so much of an eight year old child being led to the theme park by such infectious enthusiasm that you cannot help but instill that same excitement to the adults around you, most especially the one who was holding your hand at that time.

I do not really know what to call that but it's a gift that you have and you are not afraid to share it to everyone you meet especially to someone like me. I cannot believe that you would be interested in someone who only smiles when there are storm clouds approaching or who rants about the unfairness of everything in my life. I am even embarrassed sometimes to be with you because of your joyous countenance. So much so that there are those times when I refuse to go out of my gloom-encased shell just to see you. Remember those flimsy excuses I gave you just to escape that blinding joy? I know that you know that those were lies but instead of being disappointed in me, you were infinitely patient with me. For that I am eternally grateful. You have taught me that life wasn't all about gloom and doom and boom.

Life can encompass the best and worst of everything. From the bloom of sunflowers to the frenetic yipping of your Yorkshire terrier to my ghostly smile, yes, you made it abundantly clear that happiness and joy can be found in the simplest of things.

But what I hadn't expected was every time that smile of yours hits me, I turn to nothing but brown mud puddles around your feet. And if you are not careful around me, I think that you would have stepped over me a thousand times without realizing it. But I don't really mind. After all, you deserve someone whose disposition is akin to the daisies that you always gave me (even though I really have no liking for them). But I make the effort though to appreciate that gesture of yours. And you always, always acknowledge those gestures that I thought escaped your notice.

Yes, I think I am a lucky girl to have you in my life and I am content to be in yours. There are times though that I can't help but wonder why out of all those insipid females who would throw themselves on the ground you walk on, you chose me.

I remember that day clearly as if it was only a few hours ago. I was sitting in one of those public benches, waiting for you to show up. I can't remember what possessed me to meet up with a total stranger like you. Maybe it was those jokes that did it. No one had made me laugh so much except you. My life has always been nothing but episodes of crying bouts and sullen silences at home.

Now that I think about it, I was content with the way I was living but when you stepped into my life, the tune I'm singing now was how could have I survived without you? But I did find you. You would always tell me that you never regretted the day you met me and you always reminded me in your subtle and gentle ways to reassure me that the words you said to me were all true.

Maybe after this, I would pen another letter describing those ways and what they do to my insides exactly but not now. At least you have something to look forward to the next time you receive another letter from me.

I cannot believe that I already spent this much time in writing something that I originally thought would be a few lines only. I guess that my subconscious mind has spoken out loud tonight after being repressed for so long by me. Well, I cannot say that I did not regret writing this for you. Every word inculcated here came from the depths of my so-called soul.

Okay, I am faltering and losing those words that I should be saying to you. Sigh. I still need lots and lots of practice into adequately telling you and even showing you how I really feel. I hope that for now, this would do.

Thank you for coming into my life and brightened it in ways that I could never have imagined. You have showed me that there is another world out there that doesn't involve killing, crying, dying and all those sordid stuff. Even though I haven't talked much about my past, you respect that silence and you always reminded me in your soft voice (you always use this to quiet down my ugly head of irrationality when it pops up), that whatever happens to me, be it good or bad, you are always there to listen and hug and do whatever you can to comfort me.

Yes, thank you for that. My hand is trembling right now and I do not even know why. I am crying actually but the tears don't hurt like it usually does. And this puzzles me so. Maybe what they say about writing being lethargic was true. I guess I should do this more often, even for just myself.

Again, thank you for everything and thank you for making me smile. You are the only one who can do that. Never forget that. Also, please do not forget this fact as well. You are always in my heart and you will always be there. Contrary to what I do or say regarding that, please ignore them for they are those ways that I am trying to change now. Just believe what I have said and forget those pains I sometimes cause you. But again, I don't need to tell you all about that. You already know.

Yes, you already know.

And that brings great bouts of joy in my heart that I once thought was already buried six feet under.

From Me