Note: the last complete story i've written for our university's literary folio. published in marejada 2010.

Looking through Mirrors

"Inspired by a dream I had. Put down to rest by my pen."

I liked you before. Then you became hers. I did not really think much about it since I was also involved with someone else. You were an unattainable guy anyway. You were too perfect for me and she was just right for you. I busied myself with my studies and we occasionally exchanged polite words and smiles. But you were always with her and I can only look. No hope of making you mine at all. You were hers. Period.

Then, the unbelievable happened. You and she broke up. She cannot keep up with your perfection. She told me as much and I listened to her. I sympathized with her. She was after all my friend. I even tried to get you two back together again but she said that it was a lost cause and that you said that it was never going to work the second time around. So, I stepped out of your picture and grieved the loss of your relationship.

You loved her so and she you.

Then, she found someone new. Someone she is not afraid to show her real self to. This was something that she can never do when she was with you. So I can understand her side very much. I cheered for her and encouraged her to be more open with her new person. I would hear a few words from her regarding you and I would think back to the time when I first saw you. My heart did a little spin but I knew that even if you and she are no longer together, she still holds your heart.

Then came the time when we have to resume our studies again. I was busy with my studies, so much so that I lived and breathed inside the library, surrounded by books and the ever present sheaf of loose papers to write my notes. I had no time for her and my other friends. I had to make my parents proud for they warned me that if I do not excel this second semester, they would forbid me to continue on hanging out with my friends. Cruel and unjust they are but they are my parents. I cannot do anything about it.

I was buried under my books, trying to unravel the mysteries of the birthing process and learning the procedures of blood transfusion at the same time, when someone said hi beside me. I ignored the vaguely familiar voice, supposing that it was addressing someone else. Then, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I looked up and encountered his smiling face directed towards me. My heart did that little spin again which I was starting to suspect, was especially reserved for him. I said hi in return and offered him a small smile. He asked me if the empty seat beside me was taken. I said that it was not. He asked if it was okay to sit there and I said yes.

He plopped down on the seat and opened his Math book and started to read. I went back to my books as well and answered the questions that our kind teacher gave us for homework. I gave him no heed anymore as I was absorbed into the world of nursing procedures. The only hint of my discomfort was my rigid shoulders. I was not used to having someone beside me when I am doing my marathon study sessions. I was a loner despite the few friends I had.

Then, the bell rang and he got up. He told me that he had to go now because he had class. Before I can lift my head up and say good bye to him, he was already walking towards the doors. I just stared at his broad shoulders until it disappeared from my sight. Then, once again, I buried my head in my books and continued on my work.

Tuesday was my favorite day for I only have three classes. So, at three thirty PM, after the bell signaled the end of my last class, I headed right away to the library. I have to study once again for my unit exams were coming up. I pushed open the glass doors and walked towards my usual spot. It was almost always empty and no one really sits there except for me.

Putting down my backpack on the table, I hit the bookshelves and scanned for the books I would need. Pulling out three references, I went back to my table and faltered in my steps. It was him. He was sitting in the same chair again and I was looking at his back. Gulping down my nervousness and ignoring the predictable spin my heart made, I moved forward.

This time, it was I who said hi to him. He looked up and smiled at me. I was momentarily stunned by the beauty and sincerity of his smile. Then, recovering from my lapse of decorum, I smiled in return. I sat down as well and spread the books in front of me. He went back to his reading and note taking. I opened the zipper of my bag and got out my colored pens and notebook.

Ten minutes has passed when he broke the silence. She always writes in colored pens as well. He said out of the blue. I stopped writing and did not look at him. Then I asked him if he misses her. One heartbeat, two heartbeats, three heartbeats, still he did not answer. I finally looked up to see his expression. He was just staring ahead, not moving at all.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Of course he misses her. How could he not? It was not so long ago after the breakup. Then he surprised me by turning to me and said that no, not anymore. But why did it take you so long to answer? I dared to ask him again. I cursed myself for being so noisy. But at the back of my mind, I said to myself that this was my chance to get his side of the story.

He again surprised me by saying that he was just trying to remember the moments that he missed the most when with her but finding nothing there to miss, he stopped. Do you still love her then? I asked.
Ten heartbeats passed by before he answered me. I don't know, he said. I might still love her but its slowly fading away every time I wake up was what he told me. Even if he did not have to say it, I can clearly hear the pain in his voice.

I put my hand on his arm and smiled. I do not know what words to offer to such pain. All I can give him was a comforting touch. Then, he put his hand over mine and said thank you. Hiding the never ending spinning that my heart was doing, I said to him that if he needed a friend to listen to, I was just here.
I broke the contact by gently removing my hand under his and continued with my studies. I heard the rustle of papers being shifted and once more, we were silent.

Wednesday. I went again to the library. Against my better judgment, my heart was hoping that I would see him again. I pushed the glass doors open and sought him out in our corner. A small sigh of disappointment escaped my lips. He was not here. He had a social life after all while mine was almost nonexistent, save for the few remaining friends I have.

I sat down in my chair and opened my books once more. 20 minutes passed when someone covered my eyes. Predictably, I panicked and grabbed for the hand. Then, it was his voice near my ears that I heard. He told me not to panic and that he had a surprise for me. I said okay as I breathed a sigh of relief. It was only him. Then he removed his hand and I can see again. My eyes suddenly shifted to a package sitting in the middle of my book. Then, turning towards him I asked what this was all about. He just smiled and said to open it.

I dutifully did what he told me and opened the package. I noticed that it was wrapped clumsily. Before opening the box in front of me, I turned to him again and asked if he did the wrapping himself. He smiled sheepishly and said yes. I looked back at the box and I was sort of scared to find out what was inside. But feeling his eyes on me, I lifted the lid and peered inside it.

A delighted smile wreathed my features. How did you know that I love to collect autobiographies? I asked him. It was the autobiography of Princess Diana, one of my favorite celebrities. I asked around and I found that was all he said. Thank you, I gushed as I reverently held the book to my chest. But why? I asked.
Because you were kind to me and you listened. He said, seriousness clouding his brown eyes. Coming up with no answer, I just settled for my best smile. He smiled in return and for the third time in a row, we lapsed into our comfortable silence.

Before I knew it, he and I spent the months away in that corner, studying with each other, talking about our days and generally, just enjoying the silence that he and I have come to associate with one another.
I was happy to be friends with him and he was too. Although my heart would spin even faster every time he accidentally brushed against me or when he touches my arm or hands when he was animatedly describing about something. But other than that, we were fast becoming the best of friends. I never told her about our secret friendship for I knew that she would be worried about it and I do not want to give her any headaches.

She was busy with her studies as well for she was about to graduate while I have to wait for my turn next year.

It was nearing March when something happened.

I was sitting in my usual chair, reviewing for my finals when he sat beside me. I did not say hi for I was on the verge of panicking. Sensing my mood, he placed his right hand on my left arm and told me to calm down. I looked at his brown eyes and said in a voice that was struggling to hide my panic that I cannot calm down unless I have memorized all the items in my photocopies.

He grabbed me and hugged me to his chest. I became still. Then, he whispered to my hair that I needed to rest. I was overworking myself and it pains him to see me in this state. I didn't speak for quite a long, long time. Then, I told him to let me go. He instantly did. I looked at his strong face and saw that he really meant what he said.

I asked him why it pains him to see me this way. I never removed my gaze from his face. He looked at me as well and told me the words that I would never dared hope to hear from him.

He told me that he was starting to love me as more than a friend and it hurts him to see me suffer so much for my studies.

When those words left his mouth, my heart began to spin with even more gusto. No, wait, it was more like soaring through the sky and never wanting to return back on solid ground.

I was about to lift my hand and touch his face when I remembered her. I stilled my hand and looked away from his gaze.

Why are you not looking at me? He asked me. Did I hurt you with what I said? He continued.

No was what I said.

Then what is it? He insisted.

We cannot be together because of her. I replied while making a visible effort to mask the painful crash that my heart just made.

You will let her come between something that we both know we need? He asked me bluntly.

I finally looked up at his beautiful brown eyes and said yes, offering nothing more.

But why? He asked, anguish and pain now mixed into his deep voice.

Because she is my friend and I never make it a point to betray my friends. Even if you and she are no longer together, you can never be mine. She will always have a hold on you. I said each word with care while looking at him. Each word deepened the pain in his eyes and it was him who turned away first from me.

I guess you are not much different from her then. I guess I was wrong to have said all of this to you. He answered back harshly.

I winced from the palpable pain that was coming from him. I wanted to touch him and say I love him too but

I know that we can never be. As long as her shadow hovers between us, we can never be truly happy.

He got up and walked away from me, towards the glass doors of the library and away from my life.

I bowed my head and let the tears roll down hotly on my pale cheeks.

-End-